Do you ever get this feeling like the stakes couldn’t be higher, but you’re just making a small decision about what show you’re going to watch or something? Like so many nights I feel this panicky feeling about the timing of when I’m going to do something, but there is absolutely no reason for it. I’m not on any clock and there is nothing that is stopping me from doing it earlier or later. Logically I know this, but still I can’t get myself to accept it. The result of this is that I am constantly feeling crazy amounts of stress, but because it’s all self created there’s nothing I can do to diffuse it.
How do I deal with this? How do I trick myself to stop tricking myself? I find that I operate best when I’m on a schedule and keep a routine. It may sound small, but I come into every day with a plan and I try to plan out what I’m going to do pretty meticulously. If I get even 10 or so minutes off it can mess up my whole day. This artificial clock has come to define my life and created this bizarre feeling.
On the one hand my routine makes every day pretty repetitive and days can stack up real fast as I lose track of time. On the other because everything is planned out I live so much in anticipation and it creates that running out of time feeling that is amplified when my timing is off.
I don’t handle stress well, yet I’m creating all of this artificial stress and just thinking about stresses me out. Even while writing this a large part of mind us devoted to both planning the rest of my night and days down the line. And the truly annoying thing is that since there is no real reason that things have to happen at a certain time, they can easily be changed. The truly infuriating part, I know all of this and I can’t do anything about this.
Anyways just thought I’d share this with y’all as this is the kind of thing that Thoughts and Feels is for. Hope y’all got something out of this, but even if you didn’t that’s fine. I feel better after writing it. Feel free to share your comments if you’ve had similar feelings or just something you want to talk about.