People we gather here today to answer a simple, yet complicated question; who is the greatest movie golfer in history? I’ve gathered 9 of them to compete in this battle royale for golfing supremacy. The only two ground rules were only one golfer movie(I made one exception) and no real life pro golfers. So all of the pros in Tin Cup will just have to be content with their actual careers.
Now let’s run down our competitors: Roy Mcavoy (Tin Cup), Happy Gilmore (Happy Gilmore), Rannulph Junuh (The Legend of Bagger Vance), Ty Webb (Caddyshack), Goldfinger (Goldfinger), Pat Pemberton (Pat and Mike), Johnny English (Johnny English Reborn), Bill Murray (Space Jam), and Shooter Mcgavin (Happy Gilmore).
We’ll run through all of them, taking into account their accomplishments and skills to ultimately determine who is the best golfer in movie history.
Roy Mcavoy- Unaffectionately known as “tin cup” Roy is a ball striker supreme. From the munies in Texas you know he can handle tough winds. He really has to rely on his caddie Romeo and his shrink/girlfriend (unethical) Molly to keep his temper under control. It does not always work. He is also a questionable decision maker as he will let his ego run rampant and continue to make the same mistake repeatedly just to satisfy his pride.
Happy Gilmore- Bomber. In one word that’s how you would describe the game of Happy. Despite his unorthodox swing he’s shown the ability to consistently compete in the toughest golf tournaments. While his putter is unique the powers that be tell me it’s legal so we’ll let it ride. He’s also a proven winner at the highest level, with the tenacity of a former hockey player. There are major concerns about his temperament as he has fought both an alligator and Bob Barker in his career.
Ranulph Junuh- Junuh is a good golfer, but he faces two huge disadvantages in this hypothetical. He’s handicapped by his old WWI era equipment and he’s not even the titular character from his movie. It’s going to be tough for Junuh to overcome these deficiencies. He also has a weird name and I don’t like that. He’s got a great caddie though.
Ty Webb- Ty Webb is a real jackass. However he is a very good golfer. We know he has broken 70 at least once. The biggest downside is that he doesn’t like to keep his score which will make it all but impossible to win this hypothetical contest. If only being hilariously snarky was an applicable golf skill.
Goldfinger- You don’t want to fuck with Goldfinger. Sure, he may not be the best actual golfer among our competitors, but his caddie is an assassin who can murder people with his hat. In a competition filled with great caddies it’s hard to find one who will have a bigger impact.
Pat Pemberton- She has a great golf swing. That will keep her in the mix, but she also comes with a few drawbacks. Her old timey equipment is poo poo and her focus will always be split because she also plays tennis. Don’t discount her though, she has the mental fortitude to succeed.
Johnny English- The not quite erstwhile English spy is truly a fuck up. However in spite of himself and all seeming laws of the universe he makes it work. Do not count out Johnny English. (Full disclosure I once laughed so obnoxiously loud during this movie that an entire theater shushed me.)
Bill Murray- Perhaps an unorthodox choice but Murray has a track record of golfing success. A former champion in the Pebble Beach Pro-am we’re getting Bill “freakin’” Murray in his prime and we know he knows people that can get him to Loony Toons world, so you have to wonder who else he knows.
Shooter Mcgavin- Shooter can just flat out play golf. Yes, he lost to Happy at the final tournament, but he spent the whole year kicking his ass. He was also able to shut out pandemonium and the ire of the fans to make a huge putt on the 72nd hole. Finger guns will abound with Shooter on the course.
I will make three cuts (get it) to whittle our list down to the one true champion, of golfers in movies.
1st Cut: Say goodbye to Junuh, English, and Webb first. None of these three have the games to get the job done. Junuh is totally reliant on his caddie and his understandably frail mental state can break at any moment. English has the ability to win this, but there is zero chance that he could even finish a round of golf without some catastrophe happening. Webb couldn’t care less about winning and would probably spend the whole time hitting on Molly. These three are all gone.
2nd Cut: Bill Murray I love you, but you ain’t winning this. Yes he won the amateur section of the Pebble Beach Pro-am, but most of the credit goes to D. A. Points. Bye Bill. Unfortunately Pat is also gone. She has all the game in the world, but her poor equipment is a deal breaker. Maybe she’ll do better in a hypothetical future tennis tournament. The final player in the second cut is a controversial one. It’s Happy Gilmore. Yes I know that Happy ultimately won the yellow jacket at the end of the movie, but his game is limited and he did lose the other tournaments. I know y’all don’t want to hear this, but Shooter is just better.
3rd Place: Roy Mcavoy is just too unpredictable to win. Yes, I believe he is technically the best golfer on this list, but he is pathological in his ability to beat himself. He is just too driven by ego and we’ve seen how guys like Shooter and Goldfinger could get in his head. Roy, you lose sir.
2nd Place: Shooter Mcgavin can’t win the big one. He’s an almost man. Yes he wins smaller tournaments, but he can’t close when it matters most. Now he is willing to get his hands dirty to win, but our champion is on a whole different level of dastardly. Shooter, you lose sir.
Winner: It was only ever going to be Goldfinger. Yes he is an old man who is probably just a scratch golfer, but this man will not lose. No other player has a caddie so deadly that he’s not allowed to be used by your friends on a video game. Goldfinger has so much gold he will literally kill you with it. He has the combination of game and nefariousness necessary to win at this contest and he is my winner.