Godzilla vs Kong promises two things; giant kaiju fights and evil corporations doing evil corporation stuff. Friends I am pleased to tell you that it delivers. Move over Nomadland there’s a new Oscar favorite in town.
Some uncultured goons will tell you that this is not fine art. That two CGI monsters wrecking shit is not peak culture. Pity them. Joy is hard and Godzilla vs Kong is joy. Where else can you find a movie where the line, “Kong bows to no one”, is said completely without irony. From start to finish the movie is just here to give you exactly what you want, and for once a stacked cast is in on it with us. Now let’s go through this cinema redefining film.
We start on Skull Island where our guy Kong is just trying to sleep and shower. (Although you know he’s hitting the gym with those glutes.) (This will not be the end of our thirst for Kong.) We find out that Kong is being kept in a containment dome on Skull Island, for some reason. Like, he’s still on the island so why put him in a dome that simulates the island on the island? Also he has a little girl he has bonded with. (Does Kong hate me?) (Makes sense dudes keep trying to kill him.)
Godzilla time. The movie now heads to the coastal metropolis known as Pensacola, Florida as we head to the US headquarters of the Apex Corporation. Brian Tyree Henry is a conspiracy theory podcaster who is using his job as an engineer (maybe I’m not sure) to get info for his podcast. The company doesn’t seem to care, so whatever. Godzilla attacks. At some point you have to wonder why, in a world where Godzilla can attack at any moment, people are still living on the coasts.Guys if you’re that obsessed with living on the water move to the Ozarks. Godzilla wrecks shit, but we are led to believe that it is because of some contraption in Apex headquarters.
Now is when all the humans get together to make their plans. We see Millie Bobby Brown and Kyle Chandler (rocking the biggest of dad energy) argue over Godzilla. Apparently they were in the last movie, but that’s not important. She decides to go looking for Brian Tyree Henry and sets off with the kid from Hunt For the Wilderpeople, which is what I will call him. (I think his character is named Josh?) Apparently Millie Bobby Brown watched Stranger Things and learned it’s ok to track down crazy conspiracy theorists when you’re a kid. (Kids don’t do that.) Damian Bachir, drunk off his gourd in this movie, plays the head of Apex and recruits Alexander Skarsgard to lead an expedition to Hollow Earth, which is apparently where the kaiju come from. Skarsgard then goes and gets Rebecca Hall, who definitely wants to bang Kong, and the kid that bonded with Kong because they need Kong to find Hollow Earth. The kids find Brian Tyree Henry and they somehow end up in Hong Kong at Apex HQ. (I honestly can’t remember how.)
That’s enough of the humans. While transporting Kong by boat to Antarctica, to find Hollow Earth, Godzilla attacks because apparently they are attracted to each other by primal instinct. OK. The fight is straight out of that one episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion Kong hops from ship to ship trying to avoid Godzilla. In the water Godzilla has a huge edge because that’s where he lives. However he has a bad game plan as he does not lead with his atomic breath. You gotta lead with the atomic breath. It doesn’t matter and Godzilla washes Kong in their first fight, but with the aid of the human Kong escapes with his life and they’re off to Hollow Earth.
Now we head to Apex HQ where we see some more crazy scientists saying some more crazy science shit. This scene feels like a waste until we are greeted by surprise, MechaGodzilla. (Hunt for the Wilderpeople says it out loud and I was cackling.) This sets up the final boss fight, but we’ll get there.
We go to Hollow Earth and the only thing that’s really important is that Kong finds the 2nd best axe in movie axe history, between Stormbreaker and Dr. House’s axe cane. Godzilla senses them and interrupts his assault on Hong Kong to blow a hole in the ground all the way into Hollow Earth. It’s time for round 2.
This time Godzilla opens with the atomic breath (he’s learning), but with buildings all around him and the axe Kong is able to combat it. After an amazing action sequence, which would make a great ride btw, Kong is able to get the upper hand and conks Godzilla on the head with the axe. This sends Godzilla into the concussion protocol and as Skarsgard says, “Round 2 goes to Kong.” We don’t have to wait too long for round 3 though as Godzilla “Edelman’s” his way out of the concussion protocol and is ready to go.
Godzilla adjusts his game plan and absolutely wrecks Kong. He pummels him to a pulp, then goes in the claws. He gouges out Kong for a while and then, to truly assert his superiority he stomps him. He keeps his foot on Kong until he gets the great ape to submit. The CG really hits as you can see the pride leave Kong and the Godzilla’s smug satisfaction. Everything goes calm until MechaGodzilla goes out of control and kills all the Apex people. It pops out of the mountain and starts whooping Godzilla’s ass.
Some humans revive Kong and after knocking his shoulder back into place on a skyscraper Kongzilla team up to take down the out of control mech. They get their ass beat, but thanks to Hunt for the Wilderpeople (who poured some booze into a computer) MechaGodzilla is weakened and Kong takes his head off. The two titans have a stare down and after a game respects game head nod Godzilla heads back to the ocean and Kong heads for Hollow Earth. Also all of the non evil humans meet up, but who cares about them.
The movie ends with what appears to be a guided tour of Hollow Earth? Why? Have none of y’all seen Jurassic Park? You can’t turn the home of all kaiju into a zoo. And with that this movie concludes every bit as ridiculously as the movie should. This is the greatest movie ever.