I did something the other day. I spent four hours watching the director’s cut of a movie that I have only seen glimpses of on TBS. Why did I do it? I don’t know and honestly I don’t want to. Four years after the release of Justice League the Snyder Cut was released.
Part movie, part publicity, part religious experience, part fuck you this four hour behemoth was a messy, disoriented experience, but damn was it fun. Ok can’t really tell you what happened because this movie isn’t about story it’s about mood. The first hour provides a lot of hunky, beautiful people grunting at each other as they walk away in slow motion. Big props to Aquaman’s Icelandic harem who chant and sniff his clothes thirstily as he enters the frigid Atlantic. Then in hour 2 the team comes together to figure out if indeed Batman and Wonder Woman want to fuck. (They definitely do.) In hour 3 Superman comes back and he’s evil except now it’s hour 4 and he’s good again. I tell you this because none of it matters. This is a movie where the Flash grabs a hot dog in slow motion in midair while saving a pretty girl from truck-kun.
So why did I want to write about this movie? Because it’s a fucking experience! Batman tells the Joker he’s going to and I quote “fucking kill him” in a dystopian dream sequence in the epilogue. Read that sentence again and tell me that isn’t art! Aquaman yells “My Man!” to Cyborg during an action sequence in the final act and I think it’s the first thing he’s ever said to him. When Superman is brought back from the dead there’s a thrilling sequence where we track in slow motion as Superman tracks the Flash with his eyes at full speed and it’s incredible. Also someone please teach Ezra Miller how to run, watching his weird mismatched flailing just makes me sad.
I left my two favorite moments of ridiculousness for this because they deserve special attention. Early in the movie, well like an hour and a half in, we see what happened the first time Darkseid invaded earth. In this scene we see the combined forces of the Amazon’s, Atlanteans, humans, and Greek gods (that’s right I’m talking Zeus and them boys) square off against an alien invasion. I mainly wanted to highlight this part because we get to what looks like a human head photoshopped onto the body a muscle on steroids. Also we get the return of the CG jacked David Thewlis as Ares. This culminates with Darkseid’s defeat, which begs the question of why this movie is even happening. If the big bad couldn’t be in a fight in ancient times, then why would his underling win now? What am I thinking there’s no time for logic in this movie we need to get to the end.
Man of Steel culminated in the neck snapping death of Zodd at the hands of Superman. You may remember this because people were not happy. Well Zach Snyder heard you and this was his response. Superman to Aquaman, Aquaman to Wonder Woman, can she get to Steppenwolf before he’s portaled back home? She can! She can! Wonder Woman with the clean beheading at the buzzer! That’s right, if you thought the head snap was bad Superman is now participating in combo kills. It’s okay now though because he’s wearing a black suit.
That’s all for my thoughts on the Snyder Cut. It’s been a hell of a ride.
Oh yeah also Lex Luthor, Deathstroke, and Martian aka hunter were in the movie, but honestly